By: Allison McCarthy, MBA | ammcarthy@barlowmccarthy.com
Regrets can be a powerful force for growth and development. That’s the premise made by author and researcher Daniel Pink in his most recent book, “The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward.“
Pink recommends a self-reflection approach asking who we could be (opportunities) and what we should be (obligations). His research identified four categories of regrets.
- Foundation regrets (missed opportunities) – failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. Going for short-term gains, which sacrifices long-term goals. Consider the lack of exercise or unhealthy eating, which hinders our health. Or short-term spending that creates financial risk.
- Boldness regret (missed opportunities) – falls into playing it safe and then regretting that choice. These situations are when we fail to speak up about an issue or concern. Or not taking a position when it was available. Regretting inactions more than actions taken. The failure to be more or do more sacrifices growth.
- Moral regrets (obligation failures) – while the smallest number of regrets noted in the study can bother us the most. These are the times when we may do harm, are disloyal, cheat, or are insubordinate.
- Connection regret – (mix of “shoulds” and “coulds”) – when relationships have come undone or remain incomplete, and reconnecting requires effort and risks rejection. And sometimes, the door has closed, and the opportunity to repair the relationship is impossible.
Regrets are a common topic during coaching sessions. Clients that didn’t advocate successfully for their program or confront a disruptive team member. Or those who spent so much time firefighting they failed to build a robust internal network. But Pink recommends “anticipating regrets” as a preventative way of thinking and planning. For example,
- What would you regret if you didn’t act?
- What is sacrificed by failing to effectively onboard a new hire?
- Is there a cost if team members do not shift their work habits?
- How will the practice or program be harmed by not focusing on growth?
- Even when planning a new project, what’s at risk if we don’t meet the timeline?
A regretful perspective can motivate us to act so that we minimize remorse.
Regret can also be a technique to use during interviews. Asking candidates what they regretted in a prior position may help to uncover their priorities and values. And leaders can ask the same during a performance review encouraging the team member to identify their own growth opportunities.
We can also use regret when we want to look at something from a broader perspective. For example, what will I regret ten years from now… if I leave my current position?…. if I spend so much time working and not with my kids?
Daniel Pink suggests that we constantly live at the intersection of regret and circumstances. So, when facing uncertainty, look backward to move forward, seize control where you can, and let go of what you can’t.
Have you been thinking about engaging in a coaching relationship? I am looking for a few more clients to join my coaching program in 2023. If you are interested please reach out at amccarthy@barlowmccarthy.com.